everything i touch turns cold
2024, silver gelatin prints, inkjet prints, collage.

everything i touch turns cold has become a confrontation of what I find comforting, the nostalgia I feel for a past and time I cannot return to. Coldness comes to mind first – both in sensation and emotional coldness. The death and austerity associated with a cold snap before the regrowth of spring is a phenomenon I have learned to find macabrely beautiful. My childhood home, as an emotional and physical landscape, was and remains one of coldness. Emotions were secondary, a hindrance to productivity and usefulness, a frivolous matter that there simply was not enough time for, true to the self-sacrificial lessons of Catholicism and the rigidity of the military. Pinhole photography is a major element of this work. I use a camera I built myself, 5x7 silver gelatin paper to capture paper negative images, which I proess, scan, and invert to print. Pinhole photography, having a lensless aperture, produces distorted, unfocused, but infinite-feeling images, an effect that feels dreamlike and dissociative. This technique replicates feelings of nostalgia, dissociation, and dread I associate with my own memories and feelings of my upbringing in religion, evoking an overall sense of foreboding, and the eye of an indirect observer. In the combination of pinhole work with traditional analog practice, the pinhole images take on a role of abstraction and metaphor, evoking a more emotional meaning than the observational, notated, documentarian traits of the contact sheets and darkroom prints. In finality, everything i touch turns cold is named as such because of the way my hand and thinking inevitably turns the sunniest of landscapes cold. This work explores the sensation of cold and the how definition of comfort is individual, shaped by trauma.